As The Wand Turns
by Gwenhwyfar1984
Summary: What happens when a spell goes wrong and turns Hogwarts into a Soap Opera?


As The Wand Turns

Author: Earllyn

Rating: Between K+ and T

Content Warnings: Um… Minor swearing and character death

Pairings: Hermione/Draco, Hermione/Ron, Ron/McGonagall, Draco/Lavender

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I wish I did. Think J.K. Rowling would be willing to share?

Author's notes: Ok. First of all, I have seen all the movies and read the first five books. I imagine this to take place I the sixth year. Yes I know that's impossible because Fred and George are there but it is my fanfic and I like them. Second, this is a parody of Soap Operas. I love soaps and thought this would be funny. I have used many soap clichés and if when you get done reading and are really confused just PM me and I will explain. Third, this is my first HP fic and I made up the Transfiguration spell. And last, I live in the Unites States and tried to keep the Americanizations out of this fic. I hope I succeeded. I also tried to put in some British stuff and hope I did ok. Not betaed because my beta is probably enjoying a great holiday.

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger sat in Transfiguration class. Today's lesson was to turn a hairbrush into a bar of soap.

"Sapo Totalus!" Hermione said with a wave of her wand. There in front of her sat a perfect bar of soap.

"Show off." Ron muttered. "Sopo Totalus!" He tried. There was a flash of light and when it cleared his hairbrush was still there. "What?"

"Mr. Weasley…It's 'Sapo' not 'Sopo'!" Professor McGonagall sighed. "Class dismissed."

"Don't worry Ron. No harm done." Harry said.

Hermione sat at the Gryffindor table at lunch. Ron and Harry were complaining about Professor Trelawney's latest homework assignment. Ordinarily Hermione would have told them this was why she dropped the class but today she was preoccupied. Preoccupied with Draco Malfoy. She watched him out of the corner of her eye. He was talking to Crabbe and smirked at something he said. Hermione sighed.

"What's with you?" Ron asked.

"Nothing." Hermione answered. Draco looked over at her and she blushed.

""Mione what-?" He looked over to where she was looking. "Are you _mental_!"

"What is it?" Harry asked.

"_Malfoy_!" Ron exclaimed.

"Mind your own business Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. She got up and walked out, her lunch untouched.

"She _is _mental!" Ron muttered.

"But look." Harry said, pointing at Malfoy. Draco was looking after Hermione, concern on his face.

Ron and Harry walked into the Common Room. Everyone was grouped together. In the middle they saw Seamus and Neville hugging.

"What's going on?" Harry asked.

George looked at him. "Neville just got and Owl. It seems he and Seamus are long lost brothers!"

"But…How?"

"I don't get it either. A lot of strange stuff has been going on-" Fred said.

"-Long lost siblings-" George continued.

"-Strange pairings-"

At that moment Hermoine came through the portrait hole. She was smiling and her face was slightly flushed.

"Where have you been?" Ron asked.

"With Draco." She said shyly.

"Are you _completely_ mad! He's a racist jerk Hermione! He's called you a Mud-You-Know-What countless times!"

"He did that just to show off to his friends! He's actually very kind and sweet…" She giggled. "And a very good kisser!"

"Did she just-" Fred started.

"-Giggle?" George finished.

"I think I'm going to be sick!" Ron muttered.

Hermione sniffed and went up to the dorms.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say everybody was under a spell…" Harry said then gasped and looked at Ron. "I think we'd better go see McGonagall!"

When they ran into the Transfiguration classroom they saw Professor McGonagall sitting behind her desk. She looked up. "I was wondering when you would show up."

"Professor was it me?" Ron asked.

"I'm afraid Mr. Weasley that what you cast was the Soap Opera spell." She stood up and the boys were quite shocked to see that she had a swollen stomach. "And it had affected everyone."

"Professor are you…pregnant!" Harry asked.

"It appears so Mr. Potter." She said sadly.

"How do I fix this?" Ron asked.

"There is no way. We just have to let things play out." She sat down uncomfortably. "I do hope it is before this is born. I must say I'm a little too old for childbirth!"

The boys walked in silence back to the common room. When they just sat down on the sofa, both with shocked looks on their faces Fred and George asked what was wrong. Ron told them everything. When he got to McGonagall's situation they started laughing.

"What I want to know is…who's the father?" Harry asked.

Fred laughed. "Ron is!"

Ron turned red. "What!"

"You did the spell!"

"So you're the father!" George laughed.

"Congratulations Ronniekins!" Ron's twin brothers continued to laugh all the way up the stairs.

"Want me to Bat-Bogey them?" A voice asked. The boys turned around and saw a girl who looked to be about eighteen. She had red hair. Weasley red hair.

"Ginevra?" Ron exclaimed.

"Yeah. You act like you've never seen me before. And don't call me that!" She glared and went up to the dorms.

The next day things were not back to normal. They were standing outside waiting for their double Potions class to start when Hermione walked up, Draco's arm around her.

"I will be _so _glad when this spell wears off!" Ron said glaring at Malfoy.

"I wouldn't be if I were you. Imagine Hermione's wrath when she remembers snogging Malfoy." Harry said.

Professor Snape showed up and class began. Halfway through he stopped mid-sentence.

"I can't keep it a secret anymore." He walked up to Harry. "Potter…I am you father."

Harry knocked over his cauldron and glared at Ron.

Everyone was at lunch when Crabbe ran in. "Draco! It's Draco! He's-he's _DEAD_!"

Everybody gasped and started talking at once. Professor McGonagall stood up. "_QUIET_! Now, what is the meaning of this!"

"Draco! I-I found this in our room!" He held up a clump of blonde hair.

"Was there a body? Seamus called out.

Crabbe shook his head.

"Maybe he's just balding." George whispered.

"Alright. Everyone to your Common Rooms!" McGonagal ordered.

When they were in the Gryffindor common room Hermione sat down in shock. "Dracie can't be dead! He just can't!" She then proceeded to burst into tears.

"Did she just call him 'Dracie'?" Harry asked, appalled.

"Now I _know_ I'm going to be sick!" Ron muttered.

Pravati walked over and led a sobbing Hermione to the dorms.

"I never liked the guy but I never wished him dead. Or bald." Harry said.

"Now you've done it Ron!" George exclaimed.

Dinner was somber. Everyone was uncharacteristically quiet. Hermione sat down with a sniff. "Dracie would not want me to starve myself." She was just adding some potatoes to her plate when a scream echoed through the hall. Walking through the doors was Draco Malfoy!

"Dracie!" Hermione cried and ran up to him. She was about to hug him but instead cried out "Is that _lipstick_!"

"Um…Yeah." Malfoy said.

"You-_you cheated on me!_ Oh if you weren't dead before you will wish you were!" She shrieked and pulled out her wand.

"That's enough Miss Granger." Professor Dumbledor said softly. "Now Mr. Malfoy, where were you?"

"I don't really know. One minute I was with-" He paused.

"_Who! _You were with _WHO_!" Hermione shreaked.

"Lavender. I was with Lavender. Then someone knocked me out."

"He probably ran into a wall." Ron muttered.

Dumbledor sighed. "No harm done. Back to your dinner everyone."

Hermione glared at Malfoy. "I won't forget this Malfoy. Believe me." She said through clenched teeth.

That night while everybody slept, somebody snuck into the Gryffindor dorm room where Harry slept. They picked up his wand and invisibility cloak and snuck out. This person then went to the Slytherin house and up the steps to the dorm where Draco Malfoy slept. Waiting until he rolled over on his stomach they then stabbed the wand into his back.

In the morning when the Gryffindor's would have gone down to breakfast they found they could not leave.

"What's going on?" Harry asked. Everyone just shrugged. At that moment Professor McGonagll came through the portrait hole. "Mr. Potter if you'll follow me."

"Professor what's going on?" Hermione asked.

"I'm afraid Draco Malfoy's been murdered."

Stunned, Harry followed her out. After a moment he realized they were going to Dumbledor's office. "Professor is Malfoy really dead?"

"I'm afraid so." Sheanswered sadly. "Chocolate Frogs." She said, giving the password.

They went into the office. Dumbledor was behind the desk and Snape was standing off to the side.

"Thank you Minerva. Come here Harry."

Harry stepped up to the desk extremely nervous. He glanced at Snape but he showed no emotion.

"Harry. Is this your wand?" Dumbledor asked, holding up a wand. Harry took it and examined it.

"Yes sir. Why do you have it?"

Dumbledor looked upset. Sanpe spoke. "Harry, son." Harry cringed. "This is the wand that murdered Malfoy."

Harry gasped and dropped the wand. "What! How?"

"That's what we would like to know. You and Mr. Malfoy were enemies, were you not?" McGonagall asked.

"Yes Ma'am we were. But I didn't kill him! I haven't seen him since Dinner! I swear!"

McGonigall just looked at him for a moment. She placed a hand on her stomach and looked at Dumbledor. "I believe him Albus."

"As do I. My son is not a murderer!" Snape exclaimed.

Dumbledor was silent. "This means we have a murderer among the students at Hogwarts. And it could be anyone."

Harry walked back to the Common Room deep in thought. 'Malfoy's dead. Murdered. And they used my wand. Why? Why frame me? This meant they had access to it. But who would want to kill him? Ron. But he wouldn't do it just because he's jealous. Would he? This spell is doing weird things to people. But make them capable of _murder_? I can't believe one of my friends is a murderer!'

He gave the password to the Fat Lady and entered the Common Room. Everyone stared at him and whispered between him and her. Ron and Hermione ran up to him.

"Is it true? Is Malfoy really dead?" Hermione asked.

Harry nodded.

"Good!"

"'Mione!" Ron exclaimed.

"Well! He cheated on me!"

"Someone killed him. With my wand." Harry whispered.

"How'd they get your wand?" Ron asked.

"I don't know. I keep it on my night table." He eyed Ron suspiciously.

"I didn't do it! I may have disliked the guy but… What about you Hermione?"

"I didn't! I wish I could meet who did." She sniffed, teary eyed.

"Don't tell anybody it was my wand, aright?" Harry asked. His friends nodded.

But everybody knew because he didn't have it in class. Soon he couldn't walk down the halls in peace. People would whisper and all the Slytherins glared and a couple times he had to duck some hexes.

Some people however, congratulated him. "It's about time!" They said.

But one person caught his attention. He wasin the hall heading for Herbology when he found Lavender walking next to him.

"Harry I just wanted you to know I don't think you killed Dracie. But you really should be more careful about where you keep your wand." She smiled and went on.

Harry pondered this the rest of the day. Her tone had been strange. Like she knew something.

Hermione and Harry were in the library doing homework when Ron came in. He looked ecstatic.

"Professor McGonagall isn't pregnant!" He exclaimed.

"What? We've all seen her." Hermione said.

"There's no baby! Apparently her body is _acting _like she is but there is no baby!"

"Strange."

Ron sat down to start his History of Magic homework when Harry spoke.

"I think Lavender Brown killed Malfoy."

"Why?" Ron asked.

Harry told them what she said. "She just seemed to know something."

"Bloody hell." Ron muttered. "Why would she do it? I thought they were d-" He cut off when her saw the look on Hermione's face.

"I don't know." Harry said. But suddenly this spell has gone from mildly annoying to serious."

"What spell?" Hermione asked.

"You wouldn't believe us if we told you." Ron said. "What do we do about Lavender?"

Hermione stared at Ron then turned away. "Maybe we should confront her."

Harry nodded. "Tonight."

They waited in the Common Room until it was empty.

"What do we do?" Ron asked.

"I don't kn-" Harry started. Someone coming down the stairs interrupted him.

"What's going on?" Lavender asked, suspicious.

Hermione stood up. "Why did you kill Draco?"

Lavender smiled. "Right to the point. I like that. I killed him to ruin your life Hermione!"

"Why? What did I ever do to you?"

"What did you do to me! _YOUR LIFE SHOULD BE MINE_!" She shouted. She smiled and walked to the fireplace. "I'm adopted. Did you know that? No, of course not. You're always too busy studying to care about anybody else. I was born into a nice family and even had a twin sister. Well when I-we were two there was a fire and they saved _her_! I was burned really badly. I went to and orphanage and was adopted. I recently found out who my real family is. Guess who they are?" She giggled. "Go on! Guess!"

Hermione edged closer to Ron who put his arm around her.

"You are! You're my sister!" She abruptly stopped smiling. "You got everything and I got nothing but scars!" She took her wand out of her robes. "But I'm going to take back what's mine!" Glaring hatefully she raised her wand. "_Crucio!_"

Ron shoved Hermione out of the way and barely missed the spell himself.

"Expelliarmus!" Ron shouted, his wand pointed at Lavender.

Lavender screeched and ran at Ron.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Professor McGonagall said, coming through the portrait hole. "Are you alright?"

"Yes Professor." Harry said.

Hermione stared at Lavender. "She tried to…" She turned to Ron. "Any you saved me. You saved me!" She kissed him.

Ron pushed her away. "Hermione as much as I liked that you're under a spell."

"What?"

"Mr. Weasley. The spell just wore off." McGonagall said. Ron turned and saw she no longer looked pregnant. "Oh."

"_RONALD WEASLEY! YOUR SPELL MADE ME SNOG MALFOY!"_ Hermione shrieked.

Ron turned very pale and ran up the dorm stairs.

"_Don't think you can hide Ron!_" Hermione shouted.

Harry turned to Professor McGonagall. "I _still _don't know why she used my wand!"

The next day things were back to normal. Well sort of. Everybody was angry with Ron for the spell. Except Fred and George who congratulated him for causing more havoc with one spell than they did in a year.

Snape was extra mean, apparently thinking he had to make up for lost time. By the end of class thirty points had been taken.

Draco complained, loudly and rudely, about snogging a Gryffindor and 'Mudblood'. He was later seen heading for the hospital wing burping slugs.

Lavender apologized and spent the day in fear for having used an Unforgivable Curse. She was found not to be in trouble because no one was hurt and she had been under a spell.

Harry never found out why it was his wand that was used.


End file.
